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As May rolled in, I found myself counting the days until Evangelion 2.22’s release. I heard that Evangelion 2.22 is so good that in clinical trials, 83% of viewers actually walked away with larger genitalia. In the meantime, I felt a gaping emptiness that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Then I realized that I was supposed to be writing for Makigumo. I went to work immediately, thinking of quick top ten lists that I could bang out with minimal effort. But that’s not what I’m about. So I did some soul searching, and really dug deep into an issue that has always bothered me. What the fuck is up with the lyrics to the Spice and WolfED??

Spice and Wolf is an anime, one which I like despite the fact that its stories are based on economics (a subject so boring I suspect it was devised by a nefarious government as some kind of PSYOPS exercise). Robert Mugabe believes something similar, but the difference between him and me is that someone actually put him in charge of a country. A whole goddamn country! Anyway, Spice and Wolf is mostly about money, and not in the cool, scandalous way that Wall Street is about money. It’s less about greed, deception, and 80s power tripping and more about a straightforward merchant trying to make his way in life. I guess there’s a little bit of greed and deception, but it’s not as cool without the 80s backdrop and Michael Douglas.

Although the series itself is somewhat down to earth, its ending song is absolutely insane. Sure, some people write song lyrics that make no sense, thanks to the magic of hallucinogenic drugs. But “Ringo Hiyori” actually spins some kind of narrative. The trouble is, I have no idea what the fuck is happening in this story. I imagine if Tim Burton went on an LSD bender and directed a movie, Spice and Wolf’s ED would be a pretty accurate novelization. It starts:

Seven apples on a witch’s tree
With seven seeds to plant inside of me

I believe this is a reference to Snow White, which is the first fictional work that came to mind containing apples, witches, trees, and the number seven. The bit about “seven seeds to plant inside of me” is somewhat disturbing, as “seed” used in this manner usually refers to sex. So we can rule out the Disney version of Snow White and go straight to the Grimm version, which probably had more gang rape (I couldn’t be arsed to look it up).

In springtime I grew a magic song
Then skipping along, oh I sang the song to everyone

This part shows a striking lack of scientific knowledge. I checked the Wikipedia article about songs, and found no mention of any biological components. In fact, songs are completely synthetic—they do not grow from anything, and are instead manufactured by people. However, you should note that the narrator has grown a magic song, which obviously would play by different rules. It’s true that the “seeds” which have been planted inside her were never identified. My assumption was that they were of the dwarf semen variety, but when I googled “dwarf semen” I couldn’t find any relationship to songwriting. I did come across some fairly disturbing pictures, though. Apparently these songs also grew out of the narrator, which leads me to believe there would be serious abdominal wounds, lacerations, and hemmorhaging. Thankfully, the next line implies that she recovered.

I looked at the world through apple eyes
And cut myself a slice of sunshine pie
I danced with the peanut butterflies
Till time went and told me to say hello but wave goodbye

Apples don’t typically transmit light in the visible spectrum, so we’ll chalk that one up to the aforementioned lack of scientific knowledge. There is also little evidence to suggest sunshine can be baked into a pie, so I guess she just cut herself a slice of regular pie. The reference to peanut butterflies is a strange one. I can only assume that, after her ordeal with the seven dwarfs, the narrator discovered a new species of insect in the woods. The last line suggests an anthropomorphism of time itself, which is instructing the narrator to be duplicitous. I think here we have an allegory about a young woman who was gang raped, became delusional, and then became unwilling to trust others as a psychological defense mechanism. Dark stuff.

A thousand sugar stars
Oh put them in a jar
And then whistle round the world
Oh whistle round the world
I’m a little wolf inside a girl, you say
And off I’ll go from June to May
Oh whistling round the world

Here we enter the cosmological phase of the song. For one, stars are not made of sugar. But the primary components of sugar are carbon, oxygen, and hydrogen, which can be found in stars. A typical jar wouldn’t even fit one star much less a thousand, so I can only assume that our intrepid narrator is tripping her goddamn ovaries off. “I’m a little wolf inside a girl” indicates the dual nature of the narrator, who has the shape of a girl but was forced to develop the vicious personality of a wolf due to her past trauma. Finally the end of the chorus suggests that she has actually discovered time travel, as it is clearly impossible to go from June to May.

Thankfully the madness of the ending credits stops there. But I don’t like to do anything half-assed for Makigumo, so I looked up the full song and it keeps going.

I met a golden swan upon the road
Who was a handsome prince, so I was told
I asked it the way to yesterday
Then I was a sailor, and through the day I sailed away

The part about the swan is a reference to the myth of Leda and the swan. In it, Zeus takes the form of a swan and seduces Leda, the queen of Sparta. Naturally they boogie and, well, it all devolves into bestiality, as most Greek myths do. However in the song, the bestiality is only implied. What is not implied is time travel, which has already occurred once but now our narrator is asking about it again. I take this to mean that time is turbulent and difficult to navigate, so you’d have to stop and ask directions even if you’re only going back one day. Then using her time powers, our narrator is able to complete a naval training course and operate a ship. Whether she sails as a civilian, an enlistee, or a commissioned officer is left ambiguous.

Bluebird seas I sailed
With mermaids riding whales
Oh whistle round the world
Oh whistle round the world
I’m a little wolf inside a girl, you say
And off I’ll go down Wonder Way
Oh whistling round the world

Wait what? I don’t even... huh??

Through apple eyes
Oh there are rose-coloured skylines
Where flying silver spoons
Eat melting marmalade moons
Through apple eyes
I see for millions of miles
The sun’s a diamond shining
In the nighttime of a summer day

This part is just complete insanity, the ravings of a lunatic possibly driven mad by her experiences traveling through time. Spoons eating marmalade? The song ends with the “thousand sugar stars” chorus, leaving me none the wiser as to the events which transpired in this narrative. I can only assume these are the ravings of a delusional mind. Dwarf gang rape might not even have been involved. Trying to visualize this song, I saw things I’d rather not have seen. Let my experience be a lesson to you. Never try to understand the Japanese unless you fully understand the extent of their dementia.

Tags: Spice and Wolf, Okami to Koshinryo