Rubbish Evangelion Merchandise June 12, 2013 Edition

So much has happened this week. The San Antonio Spurs embarrassed the Miami Heat last night. All of reddit jumped on the PlayStation 4 bandwagon after Sony’s E3 press conference. It’s a lot to take in, so I’ll give you a mid-week break. Why not click through and have a chuckle at some Evangelion merchandise?

EVA-02 shampoo… bottle


I wouldn’t have a huge problem with this if it actually came with shampoo. Otaku gotta wash their hair too (if you’re an otaku and don’t wash, please punch yourself in the balls – and yes I already know you’re a male). This is just an empty bottle, for which you then need to go find shampoo. Shampoo already comes in bottles. It’s not like it comes in bags, like Canadian milk. If there was a whole infrastructure of bagged shampoo, which you then put into a dispenser, then this would be an important thing to have. However, as far as I know, that isn’t a thing. Instead, shampoo comes with a dispenser ready. Why would I replace that with an EVA-02 shampoo bottle? I want people to know what shampoo I buy. I choose my shampoo very deliberately. 4/10 for the hand pump dispenser. All shampoo should come with that.

EVA-01 humidifier


You know who’s into humidifiers? My parents. Paradoxically they’re also into dehumidifiers. Is it an Asian thing, or an old people thing? Why do they need to have the humidity at an exact level? Apparently even old Asians love Eva, so this must be a great product for them. If you didn’t know, you pop a water bottle onto one of these (like on a water cooler), and they, like, spray humidity into the air or something. It’ll make those winter months as clammy and uncomfortable as summer! 6/10 for making old Asians a bit more comfortable at home.

Evangelion ash tray


I’m not a smoker, so I honestly don’t know how much thought should go into ash tray selection. Will any old thing do, or are there designer ash trays? I’m not sure. The only ones I ever see are the plain glass ones you’d find at bars (well, not anymore – THANKS OBAMA). Because of my ignorance, it’s impossible for me to know if this Evangelion ash tray is on the bottom rung of ash trays, or the upper echelon. So… anywhere from 0/10 to 10/10.

Seele car curtain


Sure, Seele has a cool logo. But do you really need to plaster it on every little thing? This is what merchandising folks don’t get about otaku culture. We pick and choose the places to display our obsessions. Wearing Seele on an article of clothing is impactful. When is a car curtain ever going to make an impact? If nothing else, Seele wants to make an impact BA DUM-DUM I’m here all night, folks. 10/10 for best Seele pun ever.

Various door signs


I want to close on something awesome, like these Evangelion-referencing door signs. I love the “No Gendo” sign and the caution sign for parachuting schoolgirls. If only Shinji’s school had that sign on the rooftop. Maybe he could have a voided a facefull of Mari’s chest. To ordinary high school boys that wouldn’t be a bad thing, but it obviously made Shinji very uncomfortable. Hey, if your building has a parachuting zone, you better mark that shit. 10/10.