Rubbish Evangelion Merchandise May 1, 2013 Edition

With Evangelion 3.33 released to home video, this past week has been a good one for rubbish Evangelion merchandise. Hopefully we’ll see some good Eva merchandise too. Mostly I want more Robot Damashii Evas and some of those Bandai Monster Arts Angels that were teased forever ago. For now, though, we’ll just have to have a few laughs at the shitty merch.

Lawson’s Evangelion file folders


This isn’t a terrible piece of merchandise. People need folders and they are the most boring things in the world, why not spice them up with some Evangelion art? Besides, they’re being offered as bonuses for Evangelion 3.33 purchases by Lawson. So it’s not even like you’d have to actively seek one of these out. But when all is said and done, you still have an Evangelion folder. Can’t you step away from Eva for one damn second, you nerd?? 6/10 for being mostly innocuous.

Lotteria’s 9-patty Evangelion burger with Fork of Longinus

The Evangelion burger is not really an Evangelion burger. How can it be? Cheeseburgers are cheeseburgers. They pay no mind to the merchandising schemes of Lilin. Japanator explains the tie-in:

It’s a play on the title Q from the movie. Q sounds like kyuu (9) in Japanese or you can use the number pun of 3+3+3=9. This number nine is how many burger patties are on this monster (angel) of a burger.

Doesn’t that make it worse? The whole thing is based on your pick of two stupid puns. Japan has yet to realize that puns are the lamest form of humor, so at least Lotteria can’t shoulder all the blame.

Moving past the burger, you will get a Fork of Longinus with it. It’s kind of cool at first glance, but consider this: how good of a fork can it be? I have three-pronged forks at home (not sure why) and they’re terrible. They’re my least favorite forks to use – the last resort of forks when all the normal ones are dirty. A two-pronger would just be awful. It fails as a collectible too because it looks like the Lance of Longinus if someone set it on a train track and let a train run over it. You’re not posing this with any of your figures, that’s for sure.

The only good thing to come out of this is a life-sized 5’2″ Rei Ayanami doll. Credit where it’s due, it actually looks pretty good. But I doubt it’s the kind of doll you can have sex with, which is unfortunate because that would be the only sex you’d get if you owned a life-sized Rei doll.

4/10 because everything is horrible except the doll.

Eva unit bowling pin… costumes


We live in a pretty amazing world. And now you know that Eva unit bowling pin costumes are part of that world. Yes, these are costumes, as in things that humans wear to look like something else. In this case, that something else would be a bowling pin decorated like an Eva unit. Of these, the Unit 0 costume is my favorite. 9/10 because the mental image is amazing.

Evangelion credit cards and shoes


Ok, not gonna lie, these are actually legit. I wouldn’t go for the Eva-01 credit card, but the Rei design with the moon isn’t half bad. Unfortunately I won’t be able to get “Ryoji Kaji” as the name on my credit card, so I’ll give these 8/10.

Now let’s talk about those shoes! They’re Adidas shoes with colors based on the Mark.06, Eva-01, and Eva-02. I would probably not go for the Mark.06 style because they look like they were made with crayons, but the Eva-01 and Eva-02 style shoes look pretty decent. Of course, I can’t coordinate an outfit for the life of me, so I’ll give all the shoes a collective 7/10.

Finally, the actual rubbish part of this set is the Evangelion shoelaces. They don’t even have the decency to be gaudy and loud. They’re just plain, boring shoelaces with “Evangelion 3.33” printed on them. That’s beyond lazy. 0/10.