Rubbish Evangelion Merchandise May 15, 2013 Edition

This week’s feature has some older stuff, but that’s only because I wanted to go for a more retro feel. I feel like we haven’t really explored the genesis of rubbish Evangelion merchandise, nor have we fully appreciated how far along we’ve come. It’s hard to say if we would have fancy iPhone button covers and Evangelion shoelaces without this other merchandise. Mostly it’s hard to say because nobody gives a shit, and it’s a stupid thing to waste time thinking about. So I guess that makes it perfect for Makigumo!

Evangelion whiteboard


Sometimes, we forget how visionary Star Trek was. It predicted cell phones! And The Next Generation predicted iPads almost 30 years before they went on sale! I could understand wanting a collectible PADD if you’re a Trek fan because it’s strongly tied with the aesthetic of the show. This whiteboard, though… that’s different. Evangelion is not a visionary show with respect to futurism. It features plenty of futuristic technology, but none of it has come to fruition. So all you’re left with is a bunch of licensed merchandise that already exists today, like whiteboards. It’s sad, honestly. One day we will live in Star Trek. But we will never live in Evangelion. 6/10 because the whiteboard does come with some necessary accessories.

Eva-01 cleaning brush


This feature is all about setting low standards, and it’s tough to get much lower than this. This cleaning brush is saying “color anything purple and green, and we’ll put Eva-01 branding on it.” I have a neon green Bic lighter in my room. I’m off to put some purple lettering on it and sell it as Evangelion merchandise. 1/10 because at least James May could put this in one of his cars.

Evangelion air fresheners


What gets me down about these is that they just give off some generic smell. Maybe it smells good, I don’t know. It’s doubtful because air fresheners never smell like anything other than a shitty taxi. They could have at least tried to capture the essence of each Eva pilot with their corresponding air freshener. What would these characters smell like if we could smell them? Mari would probably smell like blood or LCL. I imagine Asuka smelling like grilled meat for some reason. For Rei, I’d say the scent of seawater. Kaworu can just have no smell because he’s from the freaking moon. 0/10, no effort.

Nerv anti-slip mat


I suppose this is something they might actually have at Nerv’s headquarters. If you live in a world where giant monsters attack your workplace, you might want something to keep your gear in place. In real life, though, what does this say about you? Do you honestly believe the power of Nerv is keeping your phone on your car dash? Can’t you drive five minutes without letting your shit fly around all over the place? Come on. 1/10.

Eva-01 Awakening piggy bank


Now that’s just adorable. 8/10.


Last week I posted about Evangelion boxers, and noted that all the designs seem to interact with your penis. Being the diligent fact checker that I am, I have to say that I got that one wrong. All the designs are actually on the posterior, which just enhances the experience if you think about it. Now Kaworu is reaching out longingly from your buttcrack. And Rei is serenely smelling your anus.